Expectations.

Lately I've been thinking about our expectations of how life will turn out, compared to what really happens. My life is so different then I imagined growing up. Now, saying this, I don't mean I'm surprised that I didn't end up traveling the world as a superhero, because, let's face it, I'm too lazy for all that. I'm thinking more along the lines of reality. The fact that I have always been a closet romantic, and imagined many times the 'love of my life' that I was sure I'd find someday, a lot of what I'm talking about has to do with my current relationship.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd be dating someone in the military. Hell, growing up with a father in the Navy gave me more then enough experience with the military lifestyle to know to stay far away from that pain. Yet, here I am, hundreds of miles from home, dating a sailor. It's not an easy life, dating someone in the military. We were together three months before he got sent to another command, then apart for the rest of our first year together. Talk about a test of faith.

Beyond the military aspect, there's so much about my boyfriend that clashes with what my ideal always was. For one, I never imagined I'd end up with someone smarter then me. I'm not trying to brag, but I consider myself a relatively intelligent person. Never before have I dated anyone who is legitimately smarter then I am. It makes for some interesting, but sometimes frustrating realizations about myself. I'm not quite as cocky as I used to be, in respect to my own intelligence, for one. There's good and bad that comes with this dynamic between us, and I'm slowly learning to accept it.

Beyond relationships, I assumed by now I'd have finished college, and have a job. I always knew enough to know that fixing cars was not going to make me rich, but it would make me happy. Now, I've only got half the credits I need for my degree, and between paying back student loans and finding a decent Automotive Tech program, I have no idea when I'll be able to get my degree. The sad fact of all of this is I went to a technical school during high school, and passed, meaning that I should be able to at least get a basic job in the field. Yet I can't even get hired on at a parts store. This is beyond frustrating for me.

It's interesting to go back and find old journals and things from high school, and compare my expectations to how things have really turned out. There's a lot of areas where I've fallen short of my own hopes. Yet, at the same time, I've grown and succeeded in areas and ways I never would've imagined myself capable of. I sometimes dwell on what I am not, and that's a depressing thing. Yet when I think about all the things I've over come internally, about the way I've changed as a person, I feel a small sense of peace. Accomplishments come in many different ways, and I'm learning to appreciate the things I have succeeded in. Life is interesting, and every new road holds the possibility of so many amazing experiences. Overall, I'd say I'm doing okay. I'm not happy, in the sense that most people speak of, but I'm okay. And for now, that's enough.