Humans live longer than most other animals. If we don't succumb to an illness or disease, and we take care of our bodies, many of us can expect to live well into our seventies, eighties, or beyond. During our long life spans, it's inevitable that we'll disappoint someone. A parent, teacher, friend, or even a stranger, somewhere along our journey we're destined to let someone down.
The worst person we can disappoint, is ourselves.
We live our lives, being told we need to do certain things; go to school, get a job, get married. Have children, be a useful member of society. Some of us conform to these idea's, some of us break the mold, and live beyond these social ideals. No matter what path we choose to take, we need to be sure we're doing it for the right reasons. We need to stop doing certain things because that's the 'normal' way of life, or because we're afraid of letting someone down. We deserve to put our needs, and hopes, before anyone else's, because, frankly, who else will?
Thinking back to myself at 7, 10, 15 years old, I wonder what I'd think of who I've become. How would my younger self see the person I am today? Would I be content to know what I'd turn into? Would I be angry that I didn't go down the path I thought I would? Maybe. Would I be a disappointment to myself? Definitely. That's a sobering thought.
I've put off doing certain things, taking certain paths, because I've felt I wasn't ready. I was scared. I am scared. Of stepping too far beyond my comfort zone, and of failure. I'm scared that the world may see me for what I am; a self-conscious woman with some serious issues to tackle, and that it'd crush me beneath it without a second thought.
But I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of being ashamed of myself, for not trying to live as I want, for not actively pursuing my dreams. I'd rather take the chance at failing, then live knowing I let my life slip away in mediocrity.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Death is a Part of Life
Friday, my boyfriend and I got in a car accident. Thankfully no one was seriously injured, but the car was totaled and I've been in quite a bit of pain over the past few days. I'm sore all over and my right leg is pretty angry with me. Overall, we're okay, and that's what's important. Today, I got some news that made my weekend even worse.
Tonight, I found out that a girl that I went to school with from seventh grade on, a girl who lived a road over from me, and who I was best friends with for a few of those years, has died. I don't know how, I don't know exactly when, but it's become obvious through her sisters Facebook updates, and some friends' status', that she's passed.
I saw her a few years ago, while working, and she seemed so happy. We haven't been close in years, and we've only talked briefly since graduating, but I keep thinking back to all those memories from middle school. We called each other Phil and Lil, after the twins from the Rugrats. Visiting my mother's recently, I was sorting old papers and I came across a bunch of notes from her. I believe I threw them away with other old papers, and now I wish more then anything I'd kept them. To reread, to relive those innocent days, when the real world, things like friends dying, was something no one ever had to think about. It's incredible how someone can mean so much to you at one point, and then just drift away. Everyone we meet impacts our lives, and all of these people should be treasured. They make us who we are.
I read the status' and comments on her pictures on Facebook from her little sister, who I haven't seen since she was probably 10. I see the things her older sister says, and I think about the nieces and nephew she's leaving behind. Her stepfather, her mother, her little brother, her husband. All of these people have lost a piece of their hearts. I've never been very affected by death. A person has passed, a person that I was at one time close to, but I don't feel for her. I feel for her family. I feel for everyone close to her that has to go on, that has to try and put a band aid over that hole, just to continue to live. My heart aches for them, I cry for them. But I can't find it in myself to feel much of anything for my friend.
I feel so empty when it comes to those in my life who've died. Maybe there's something in me, the part of me that should grieve, that's broken. I don't know. What I do know is death is a part of life, and I've always accepted that without question. That doesn't change the fact that I know this was wrong, that her life was stolen from her and her loved ones.
'Lil' was 26 years old. She had a husband. Her younger sister is currently serving our country in the military; her older sister is mother to 3 beautiful children. She has a younger brother who's still in school. She's an aunt of three, and she would have made a wonderful mother. She was funny, kind, and friendly. I watched my first horror movie at her 13th birthday party, (the Ring) even though my mother forbid me to, and slept with the lights on for a week. We used to copy each others homework on the bus to school, and listen to her little hitclips on the rides home. I remember her running across the yard of the woman who lived behind her house so she could come see me without having to walk so far, and the old lady got so angry. We would hunt for change to go to the little store around the corner for treats. Sometimes she'd walk down the road to get on the bus at my stop in the mornings. We played all kinds of games, I remember 'playing' Coyote Ugly in particular. We'd stay up all night playing poker and blackjack, betting candy. We made forts from blankets, and went to the mall and watched movies; we enjoyed those last remnants of childhood together before high school. So while I can't find myself feeling anything about 'Lil's death, I do find myself aching for her life.
People never really die, they live on through everyone their soul's ever reached out and touched.
Tonight, I found out that a girl that I went to school with from seventh grade on, a girl who lived a road over from me, and who I was best friends with for a few of those years, has died. I don't know how, I don't know exactly when, but it's become obvious through her sisters Facebook updates, and some friends' status', that she's passed.
I saw her a few years ago, while working, and she seemed so happy. We haven't been close in years, and we've only talked briefly since graduating, but I keep thinking back to all those memories from middle school. We called each other Phil and Lil, after the twins from the Rugrats. Visiting my mother's recently, I was sorting old papers and I came across a bunch of notes from her. I believe I threw them away with other old papers, and now I wish more then anything I'd kept them. To reread, to relive those innocent days, when the real world, things like friends dying, was something no one ever had to think about. It's incredible how someone can mean so much to you at one point, and then just drift away. Everyone we meet impacts our lives, and all of these people should be treasured. They make us who we are.
I read the status' and comments on her pictures on Facebook from her little sister, who I haven't seen since she was probably 10. I see the things her older sister says, and I think about the nieces and nephew she's leaving behind. Her stepfather, her mother, her little brother, her husband. All of these people have lost a piece of their hearts. I've never been very affected by death. A person has passed, a person that I was at one time close to, but I don't feel for her. I feel for her family. I feel for everyone close to her that has to go on, that has to try and put a band aid over that hole, just to continue to live. My heart aches for them, I cry for them. But I can't find it in myself to feel much of anything for my friend.
I feel so empty when it comes to those in my life who've died. Maybe there's something in me, the part of me that should grieve, that's broken. I don't know. What I do know is death is a part of life, and I've always accepted that without question. That doesn't change the fact that I know this was wrong, that her life was stolen from her and her loved ones.
'Lil' was 26 years old. She had a husband. Her younger sister is currently serving our country in the military; her older sister is mother to 3 beautiful children. She has a younger brother who's still in school. She's an aunt of three, and she would have made a wonderful mother. She was funny, kind, and friendly. I watched my first horror movie at her 13th birthday party, (the Ring) even though my mother forbid me to, and slept with the lights on for a week. We used to copy each others homework on the bus to school, and listen to her little hitclips on the rides home. I remember her running across the yard of the woman who lived behind her house so she could come see me without having to walk so far, and the old lady got so angry. We would hunt for change to go to the little store around the corner for treats. Sometimes she'd walk down the road to get on the bus at my stop in the mornings. We played all kinds of games, I remember 'playing' Coyote Ugly in particular. We'd stay up all night playing poker and blackjack, betting candy. We made forts from blankets, and went to the mall and watched movies; we enjoyed those last remnants of childhood together before high school. So while I can't find myself feeling anything about 'Lil's death, I do find myself aching for her life.
People never really die, they live on through everyone their soul's ever reached out and touched.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Expectations.
Lately I've been thinking about our expectations of how life will turn out, compared to what really happens. My life is so different then I imagined growing up. Now, saying this, I don't mean I'm surprised that I didn't end up traveling the world as a superhero, because, let's face it, I'm too lazy for all that. I'm thinking more along the lines of reality. The fact that I have always been a closet romantic, and imagined many times the 'love of my life' that I was sure I'd find someday, a lot of what I'm talking about has to do with my current relationship.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd be dating someone in the military. Hell, growing up with a father in the Navy gave me more then enough experience with the military lifestyle to know to stay far away from that pain. Yet, here I am, hundreds of miles from home, dating a sailor. It's not an easy life, dating someone in the military. We were together three months before he got sent to another command, then apart for the rest of our first year together. Talk about a test of faith.
Beyond the military aspect, there's so much about my boyfriend that clashes with what my ideal always was. For one, I never imagined I'd end up with someone smarter then me. I'm not trying to brag, but I consider myself a relatively intelligent person. Never before have I dated anyone who is legitimately smarter then I am. It makes for some interesting, but sometimes frustrating realizations about myself. I'm not quite as cocky as I used to be, in respect to my own intelligence, for one. There's good and bad that comes with this dynamic between us, and I'm slowly learning to accept it.
Beyond relationships, I assumed by now I'd have finished college, and have a job. I always knew enough to know that fixing cars was not going to make me rich, but it would make me happy. Now, I've only got half the credits I need for my degree, and between paying back student loans and finding a decent Automotive Tech program, I have no idea when I'll be able to get my degree. The sad fact of all of this is I went to a technical school during high school, and passed, meaning that I should be able to at least get a basic job in the field. Yet I can't even get hired on at a parts store. This is beyond frustrating for me.
It's interesting to go back and find old journals and things from high school, and compare my expectations to how things have really turned out. There's a lot of areas where I've fallen short of my own hopes. Yet, at the same time, I've grown and succeeded in areas and ways I never would've imagined myself capable of. I sometimes dwell on what I am not, and that's a depressing thing. Yet when I think about all the things I've over come internally, about the way I've changed as a person, I feel a small sense of peace. Accomplishments come in many different ways, and I'm learning to appreciate the things I have succeeded in. Life is interesting, and every new road holds the possibility of so many amazing experiences. Overall, I'd say I'm doing okay. I'm not happy, in the sense that most people speak of, but I'm okay. And for now, that's enough.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd be dating someone in the military. Hell, growing up with a father in the Navy gave me more then enough experience with the military lifestyle to know to stay far away from that pain. Yet, here I am, hundreds of miles from home, dating a sailor. It's not an easy life, dating someone in the military. We were together three months before he got sent to another command, then apart for the rest of our first year together. Talk about a test of faith.
Beyond the military aspect, there's so much about my boyfriend that clashes with what my ideal always was. For one, I never imagined I'd end up with someone smarter then me. I'm not trying to brag, but I consider myself a relatively intelligent person. Never before have I dated anyone who is legitimately smarter then I am. It makes for some interesting, but sometimes frustrating realizations about myself. I'm not quite as cocky as I used to be, in respect to my own intelligence, for one. There's good and bad that comes with this dynamic between us, and I'm slowly learning to accept it.
Beyond relationships, I assumed by now I'd have finished college, and have a job. I always knew enough to know that fixing cars was not going to make me rich, but it would make me happy. Now, I've only got half the credits I need for my degree, and between paying back student loans and finding a decent Automotive Tech program, I have no idea when I'll be able to get my degree. The sad fact of all of this is I went to a technical school during high school, and passed, meaning that I should be able to at least get a basic job in the field. Yet I can't even get hired on at a parts store. This is beyond frustrating for me.
It's interesting to go back and find old journals and things from high school, and compare my expectations to how things have really turned out. There's a lot of areas where I've fallen short of my own hopes. Yet, at the same time, I've grown and succeeded in areas and ways I never would've imagined myself capable of. I sometimes dwell on what I am not, and that's a depressing thing. Yet when I think about all the things I've over come internally, about the way I've changed as a person, I feel a small sense of peace. Accomplishments come in many different ways, and I'm learning to appreciate the things I have succeeded in. Life is interesting, and every new road holds the possibility of so many amazing experiences. Overall, I'd say I'm doing okay. I'm not happy, in the sense that most people speak of, but I'm okay. And for now, that's enough.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Realistically acceptable.
So it's officially 2015. I'm not excited for all the Facebook and Twitter posts about people changing themselves. It's pathetic. We are who we are. I've tried to change myself, many, many times. It's not possible. We always revert back to our true selves. We can alter our looks, the way we speak, but we'll always be the same underneath. We can not change our inner selves any more then we can alter the rotation of the earth. The only thing we can do is to accept it, embrace it, and find a way to make our lives better through that acceptance. Happy fuckin' 2015 to anyone who reads this, may you have a realistically acceptable year.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Can't you see?
I just want to die, can't you see
what this world's done to me?
I just want to die, beg to be free
of this horrible monstrosity
so thinly veiled with humanity.
Demons soar on outstretched wings
to steal away my sanity.
I just want to die, can't you see
my contribution to society
To rid the world of the pain
of this mind, quite insane.
I just want to die, can't you see
the monster that's inside of me?
what this world's done to me?
I just want to die, beg to be free
of this horrible monstrosity
so thinly veiled with humanity.
Demons soar on outstretched wings
to steal away my sanity.
I just want to die, can't you see
my contribution to society
To rid the world of the pain
of this mind, quite insane.
I just want to die, can't you see
the monster that's inside of me?
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